Losing It
by rainbow-productions
Summary: Everyone has struggles, but what if you throw away your entire for someone who does nothing but hurt you- and then they leave? That amongst other things is driving Piko to the edge. WARNING: Emotionally triggering. Terribly sad ending. Not yaoi.


Shards of mirror fall to the floor and on the counter, reflecting my expressionless face and slowly splattering with blood from my fists. One blue eye and one green eye look back at me, full of something that I can't put my finger on.

My usually knot-free hair is tangled and messy, white as always but also greasy. My skin is always pale, but looking at it now it looks like I'm sick.

I am sick, but not in a way doctors can treat. I'm sick because of him; because he killed me, and now he's back. I slam my fists into the mirror again, letting out a scream. Blood stains my white turtleneck and my white skinnyjeans, but I don't care. I can't care; he wouldn't have liked the outfit anyway, so neither can I.

His opinion is my opinion, his thoughts are mine, my life is his. How dare he come back.

Len finds me here, pounding at the remains off the mirror, and he flips out. I don't know why. I can't think, can't breathe. He ignores the blood, holding onto my sleeve as he pulls me out of the bathroom and down to the nurse's office. He keeps asking what's wrong, but I can't even tell him. I can't even breathe properly, honestly. How am I supposed to tell him?

I can't breathe. By the time the nurse is in to see me I'm choking, coughing on who-knows-what and sobbing, blood everywhere on me and on the little plastic seat. First she wraps up my hands in bandages to stop the bleeding (but not before spraying them with painful disinfectant), and then she gives me some pills to take. Pills my mother brought in last year in case I had a panic-attack. She says they're still good, but they taste funny.

Len sits in there with me, trying to ask me what I was doing, why I was hurting myself but I can't answer. I'm still struggling to get air in my lungs. The nurse writes me a note to take to the office and says I can go home. I go to my next class, throwing the note in the trash before I even get there. I don't have a fucking home anymore.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-30 Days, Friday 12:25pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

He sits down across from me at the lunch table, but says nothing. He just eats his food. It reminds me of the days before he started being- being the way he was. His hair is longer now. The same shade of purple, but now it's almost to his waist, even while tied back with a ribbon. His black outfit is as neat and pristine as ever, but mine couldn't be worse. I'm surprised he doesn't say anything about how filthy I am.

When the bell rings, he purposely touches my hand. He opens his mouth like he's about to say something, but I just pull away, almost violently, and make my way to my next class.

Even after all this time, his touch still _burns_ in that tingly, touch-me-again way? I'm late to class because I zone-out in the hallway, but my teacher doesn't say anything as I make my way to my seat. They never do. They don't have time to deal with such a piece of trash as me.

I don't blame them. I wish someone would just tell me I was worthless, just so I can hear it one more time. I only need to hear it one more time, and it'd be so easy. I could just leave and not care- I just need to hear it one more time.

Maybe if I spend enough time with Gakupo, I'll hear it again.

He tries again to talk to me, right after school but I just ignore him.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-29 Days, Saturday 10:13am-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Len is making me do the laundry, and since the machine is shot he drives me out to a laundry place. I'm pushing coins into the dryer when Gakupo walks in and takes the set on the wall left from mine. He doesn't see me, which is good. I pull my white hoodie up over my head. Len won't be back for another hour and I have two more loads to do. I'm stuck here with him.

My heart is pounding, and as I start the dryer someone lays a hand on my shoulder. I spin around and a whimper escapes my lips. My face burns when his lavender eyes meet my own ugly, multicolored ones. I turn away, back to the dryer.

"Piko, can we talk?" His voice sounds tired, and his expression is burned into my mind. He looked so... _Sad_. Why would he be sad? He didn't look angry at all. Or like he was judging me, even though I like like shit. "I- I really have some things I need to say."

My hands are shaking as I dump a basket of clothes into the washer, and I drop the quarters that I pull out of my pocket. They roll under the washer and I'm about to cry, but Gakupo drops two quarters into the machine. I hesitate, then pour the laundry detergent in and press the start button. "Thank you." My voice comes out in a whisper. Wow, it's been a while since I've spoken to anyone. I sound sick. Why does Len put up with me? I'm so much trouble. He and Kaito are always having to watch after me. I'm like a little, useless baby.

"I asked around. About you. People said- I mean, I heard a lot. They said you're not doing well." Of course I'm not. You force yourself to be my whole life; my everything. And then you leave. What do you expect?

I just shrug, leaning against the washer. I keep my eyes on the floor.

"I need to talk to you, but not here. Somewhere private." I can't. I can't be alone with you. I shake my head no and flinch, waiting for the anger, the harsh words towards me for disagreeing with him, for arguing, but they don't come. Same as before, in that sad tone. "It's important. Please? I- I know you don't owe me anything, but it's important."

I just shake my head again, and when I dare glance up at him his face is fallen. He loks so tired, so much older than his 18 years. "Sorry." I manage to get that much out. He shakes his head and walks away, but I don't know what kind of message it was supposed to send. Anger? Sadness?

I can't help it when I suddenly can't breathe anymore, and I fish the pill bottle out of the white messenger-bag beside the laundry baskets. I take it without water. They're small anyway, but they take too long to start working and I end up on the floor, my back against the warm dryer as I try to catch my breath.

That's how Len finds me, struggle silently for air, and I can feel Gakupo's eyes on me as Len sits with me, waiting until I calm down. Out of the corner of my eyes, I can see Len and Gakupo make eye contact. Len shakes his head, and Gakupo goes back to his laundry.

I pull my knees to my chest and choke back a sob.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-28 Days, Sunday 1:46am-_-_-_-_-_-_-

He keeps texting me.

A series of,

**Hey.**

** Are you up?**

** Len said your light is on.**

** Please text me.**

When it rings and his number comes up (I know it by heart) I take the battery out and hold the now much-lighter phone to my chest. Why is he doing this to me? And why is Len on his side? I know he is, I've seen the signs. They're talking, apparently civil enough to talk about me.

I fall asleep, feeling more alone than I ever have before.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-28 Days, Sunday 5:38pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Piko, are you up? There's a bonfire at the beach tonight. Do you want to go?" Len's voice, muffled by the door, wakes me.

"Who's going?" I ask groggily, rolling over in the bed.

He sounds a lot happier when he speaks next. Happy that I'm speaking again, I guess. "I'm not sure, Kaito, Rin and Teto. I think Gumi's going, and I know Luka is. And Meiko. Maybe Oliver."

I sit up, pushing the blankets off of me. "Sure. What time?"

"Seven. Don't change your mind last-minute, okay? I'm telling everyone you're going. Rin's asking."

"Okay." I pause. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Of course, you're my best friend." He laughs.

How can he put up with me? I ponder on it as I get dressed; I really am like a baby. I need coaxing in order to do things anyone else would do on their own. I don't do my laundry unless I'm forced to, I barely ever shower. I don't willingly do anything, it's all up to Len and Kaito to make me.

I pull on a pair of white shorts and a pink tank-top. Over that, a white hoodie, then my sneakers. I used to get picked on for wearing so much white, but lately no one picks on me. I wish they would. It would just take a little bit to speed things up.

Len has me make cupcakes for the bonfire, and by the time we get there there's already a crowd around the giant fire. And I do mean giant; I don't know how they got it that big without it spreading, honestly. I set the plastic platter on a picnic table and then go to find Miku.

She's talking to Luka near the trees. "Hi." I murmur, and she turns around.

"Piko!" She squeals, wrapping her arms around me. She has to lean over to hug me, despite my being two years older. Silly freshman girl. "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too." I smile. There's not much that makes me smile anymore, but she and our 6 year old sister Yuki are the two things that can. "How are you? And Yuki?"

"Great, we're fine! How are you, though, Piko?"

I blush, thankful for the dark of the night to hide it. "I'm fine. Doing better, I think."

She lowers her voice to a whisper. "Did you know Gakupo's back? Have you talked to him? Has he said anything to you? Do I need to kick his butt?"

"Yes, I know, and no, you don't." Please don't say his name. "I'm fine, really."

"What happened to your hands?" She pulls my hands up by my wrists, revealing the bandages wrapped tightly around them. "Did you do it on purpose? There were rumors-"

"Don't believe everything you hear, Miku. Hey, I'm going to find someone, oaky? I'll see you." I pull away, casting her another smile- this one forced, but she doesn't notice- and then walk away. I don't really want to be here. I just don't want to worry Len.

He waves at me from where he sits with Kaito. I wave back, then head down towards the beach. No one's down there, probably because it's so cold, or maybe because of all the food. I kick off my shoes and wade in the icy water, making sure it doesn't touch my shorts. I just washed these, I don't want them to get dirty again.

I've got to make some choices here. Once school is out, I'll have to leave the dorm that I share with Len. I have nowhere to go; my plans with Gakupo are- well, they're not happening. Len is moving in with Kaito, and I'm not up for that all-day-every-day fuck party. Even now, they're probably up there making out. Len's like my brother, I don't want to see that.

I can't go back home, mom and dad- well, they wouldn't let me. Not after Gakupo. I have less than a month. What am I supposed to do?

When someone's footsteps join mine (was I walking?) I stop. I know who it is before he even says anything, just because I know. I can feel his eyes burning into my back and I curse myself for wandering off alone.

"Piko," Gakupo is closer than I'd expected and I jump. "I really need to talk to you. Can we talk? Now?"

I shake my head no, but don't turn around. I keep walking forward, and he follows me. "Please go away." I'm surprised by the plea in my voice. Is that really me? I sound so afraid.

"I treated you- the way I treated you was terrible. I didn't mean any of it, Piko. None of it. You're not-"

"Stop." I cover my ears, shivering from the cold water. Or from the raw emotions that surge through me. Then, anger hits me hard. I drop my hands to my sides. They'd be fists if it didn't sting so badly. "You want to talk? Let's talk about how my parents hate me because of you." I spin around, my eyes stinging with tears that I won't let fall. To my surprise, the words come out in a flow. They're quiet, but angry. "Let's talk about how I gave up my entire life, my entire future for you. Let's talk about how I fucked up what could have been a wonderful future just so you could turn on me, and _then_ leave." I step closer to him, but he doesn't move. His expression is blank but his eyes are sad. Not angry at all. Where did the angry, mean and cruel guy go that he used to be? "Let's talk about how I did every-fucking-thing I could to make you happy, despite how much it ruined my life, and then you just _leave._"

"I'm sorry."

"You're _sorry_?" My voice raises. "Oh, well _that_ makes everything better!" I hadn't even realized I was so angry. "That fixes everything that was broken. I- I can't fucking _believe_ you! How dare you even come back here?! And then try to talk to me again? You really have some fucking nerve! Then again, I guess you'd need a lot of nerve to treat people the way you do." My tears are gone, the fear is gone, it's all replaced with anger. I can't control the flow of words. "All of this- everything that's wrong in my life right now is _because of you_, and _everything_ is wrong! Jesus, Gakupo! Do you not realize what I gave up for you just so you could leave me?"

"Do you hate me?" He asks softly, stepping closer. While he waits for my reply, he brushes a strand of hair back from my face. I glare at him, pulling my hood up- but my glare crumbles suddenly and the anger melts away to panic.

My throat seems to close up and I reach into my pocket for my pills- but I didn't bring them. Shit. I start coughing, my nails digging into my upper-arms. "Len-" I manage to gasp out, and Gakupo nods. The last things I see on his face before he runs off is panic, a kind of concern, but he comes back without Len.

"He's not there. What's wrong with you?"

_"What's wrong with you?" The judgment in his tone, the disgust in his eyes. "You're such a fucking child." I can't help the tears that fall. Is this it?_

I sink to my knees, the coughing stopped but I'm still gasping, still trying to find air. _Worthless. Piece of shit. Disgusting. Abomination._ The cold water seems to shock something in me, and the panic slowly washes away with the tide. I'm left on my kneed, clutching my chest and sobbing silently.

"Piko," His hands on my shoulders makes the panic build up again. I shove him back hard enough to send him down into the water. Fear surfaces, but not the panic. Just fear of his reaction. When he doesn't scream at me, doesn't hit me or call me names or- or anything mean, just sits there in stunned silence, I stand up and extend my hand to him.

He doesn't take it, just stands up on his own. "I really fucked you up." He's dripping with water.

I'm still crying, but it's a silent, endless stream of tears. No sobbing. If it weren't for the tears no one would know what a baby I am. "Sorry." I whisper. Where is the anger? Did it just disappear? I don't understand. Why isn't he mad? Is he just waiting until we're farther away from people to get angry?

"Don't be. It's my fault."

I won't let that happen.

I close my eyes. "Just leave me alone!"

-_-_-_-_-_-_-22 Days, Saturday 08:06am-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I realized that seeing his face is killing me, so I missed a whole week of school. I got no calls from anyone to check up on me. Only Len bothered asking if I was okay. It's best that way, I'm not mad or anything. They'll care less.

I drag the scissor's blade over my outer-thigh, watching the blood well up and then run into the steaming bathwater. It looks like a flower, permeating into a tint of pink that disappears in the tub. Like it was never there.

I wonder, if I cut my wrist like that, if it would be like I was never there either. I drop the scissors into the water and bury my face in my knees. Fuck. What am I doing?

-_-_-_-_-_-_-22 Days, Saturday 02:39pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Someone's cart hits mine as I turn into an aisle, sending the neatly-stacked cans in my own to tumble down messily into the metal cage. I take a step back, keeping my head down as I pull it back. "Sorry." I mumble, and move to keep going, but they catch my arm. Purple fingernails tip me off. "Let go."

"Please, Piko, will you talk to me? Alone. There's so much that I need to say-"

"Stop." I jerk out of his grasp. "And stop just- just appearing everywhere I am." I say a bit louder. He doesn't try to stop me this time as I leave.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-20 Days, Monday 3:07pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

As I step into the chilly afternoon, gray clouds seem to try to push me back inside the school building. Like a warning. As I make my way to the bus-stop, I regret it. Gakupo's there, waiting. He sees me before I can turn around and go the other way, so I just keep walking. I ignore him as I lean against the bus-stop sign's pole. No one pays any attention to me or to him.

"I'm not going to stop until you agree to listen to what I have to say." He states, and anger flashes through me again. I don't need a repeat of what happened at the beach, so I push it down.

"I don't care what you have to say." I lie, playing with the bandages on my hands. I finally went to the doctor about the cuts because they wouldn't stop bleeding. I had to get stitches in some of the cuts. 32 stitches in all.

"Piko, muffin," The rest of his words are lost.

_"Come on, muffin, I have to show you something," The excitement in his voice brings me out of my novel. I set it aside and stand up, stretching before I follow him from his trailer. He leads me to the backyard, where he's set up a tent. There's a place to have a fire, too._

_ "What's this?" I can't help it; my eyes light up and a smile crosses my lips. I can't help the surge of adoration that surges through me._

_ "Piko, muffin, we're going camping."_

I blink back tears, but a new kind. I missed him- but I missed the real him. Not what he had turned into. He's waving his hands in front of my face. "W- what?"

"What's happened to you, Piko?" His words are soft, not harsh like they would have been back then. "Did I do this?"

I close my eyes, just so I won't have to look at him. He did most of it. Not all of it. My parents helped. And Miku did, too, without realizing it. My aunt's, uncles. Cousins. "Okay," I say, finally, my voice barely above a whisper. "We can talk."

He smiles. A real smile, a relieved smile. "Thank you, Piko. I know I don't deserve it-"

"No, you don't. Don't- don't try anything, Gakupo."

"I won't. I just want to try to make things right." But could things ever be the way they were before? I don't think so. I don't know if that's how I want it, either. What do I want?

I want to not exist.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-18 Days, Wednesday 5:16pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

This is almost as small as the trailer we lived in together. It's got a half-kitchen-half-livingroom, a small hallway with three doors. Judging by the layout of the trailer, the doors lead to a closet, a bedroom and a bathroom.

It's pretty close to the one we lived in, too. Distance-wise. The furniture though- it's all different. Everything is white now, it was black before. He liked black better.

He leads me to the livingroom and brings me a can of _Mountain Dew_. He remembered my favorite soda. But why wouldn't he? We had been together since elementary school. I just hold it in my hands, letting the condensation's coolness sooth me, keep me calm.

He sits down across from me, in the recliner, and stares at me. I shift, tugging at the leg of my shorts. He smiles in a way that makes me sad, because I know exactly what he's thinking about. "You always pull at your clothes when you're nervous." He's remembering things, like I've been doing lately.

"What do you want to talk about?" I demand, trying not to sound as scared as I feel. I don't know what I'd do if he tried anything with me. I wouldn't be able to say no. I'd be too afraid he'd get mad.

"The nurse told me you were taking pills for anxiety."

"Yeah."

"Do you only take them sometimes, or is it a regular thing?"

"It's whenever I have a panic-attack."

"What if you don't take them?"

I hold up my hands, having _finally_ removed the bandages. The stitches are still there. He cringes, but in a somewhat subtle way, like he's trying not to. "It's from a mirror." I state. I'm not going to lie to him, he'd find out anyway, if he doesn't already know.

"Why a mirror?"

Because I saw myself in it and didn't like what I saw. I don't have to say it for him to know. He's always been good at figuring things out.

_"Why are you being such a fucking baby? Because you don't want me to leave?"_

_ My eyes widen. How did he know?_

_ "What's wrong with you?" The judgment in his tone, the disgust in his eyes. "You're such a fucking child." I can't help the tears that fall. Is this it? "Stop fucking crying!"_

_ "Please- don't go, I'm sorry-" I stammer, grasping onto his sleeve._

_ He shoves me, hard, sending me back onto the concrete. "Get the fuck off of me, worthless piece of shit."_

_ "Gakupo-"_

_ "Shut the fuck up!"_

"I loved you." I state, picking at my nails. There's a scar on my forearm, just below my elbow where the concrete had skinned me.

"I love you." Is his reply.

_"Do you think I give a shit about you? I don't. I never fucking did."_

Even then I knew he was lying. He might not have at that time, but he used to love me.

"Why, then?"

_"Everyone would be better off without you. Fucking brat." He spits, repeating the same words he's said so many times. The words my parents have said so many times._

"I- I don't know. I don't know what happened to me. Piko, you didn't deserve any of that. I didn't mean anything I said to you, anything I did." His voice cracks every now and then. "Even when I was- when I was like that, I felt guilty as hell. When you weren't around I'd lose it, but I couldn't stop."

"If you really loved me, how could you treat me that way?" That's all I want to know.

"I loved you with everything I had. That's why I left."

"Where did you go?"

_"I love you..." I murmur as he brushes past me to get to the door, suitcase in hand._

_ "Who fucking cares."_

"I went to stay with my uncle in Ohio. Carle?" I nod. I met him before. He was really nice. "Piko, I don't know what happened. I think- it's no excuse, not at all, but everything just got to be too much. I lost it." He won't meet my eyes. That's not like him. "I said horrible things, but I didn't mean any of it. Piko, you're the nicest, kindest boy I've ever met. You don't do anything to hurt anyone, but I- I made you hate yourself. That's wrong, and I can understand why you hate me now, I just-"

"I don't hate you."

He looks so surprised, I almost laugh.

_The trailer is so empty without him here with me. I've never felt more alone, even after mom and dad kicked me out. When Miku didn't even stand up for me._

_ I've never hated myself more. I drove him away somehow, I know I did. I'm a worthless fucking brat, I drove away one of the only people left in my life._

"I never hated you. I just wanted you to come back."

"I did come back and all you wanted me to do was leave."

"If you haven't noticed I'm not really handling life well." I snap, glaring at him. "I'm kind losing my mind, and you coming back after all the shit you put me through kind of fucked me up a little bit."

"I fucked you up to start with." There's so much regret in his voice, so much guilt. He deserves to feel guilty, he was- he was horrible to me.

I must have done something, though, right? God, we used to have so much fun together. We used to camp and go places and he even took me to the mountains once. We would go for random car rides, just so we would be alone and, in a way, away from the rest of the world for a little while. He was even teaching me to drive. God. I miss that. Could it ever be that again?

"I'm sorry, Piko. I really screwed up. I- I can't tell you how sorry I am." He looks so sad, so sad that I want to cry. I drop the can on the floor and cross the room, dropping to my knees in front of his chair. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him, cling to him in a way that I haven't done in over two years. He doesn't react even when I bury my face in his chest.

He said he loves me. He told me so. Why isn't he holding me? I need someone to fucking hold me. I need someone to tell me I'm not worthless, and that they want me and that they need me and love me, or else I'll really have to leave. "Gakupo-" My voice breaks and I can't say anything more, but he still won't hold me. If he doesn't, if he won't- if he wont' tell me what I need to hear- if _someone_ doesn't tell me that in some way, shape or form I matter, I won't be able to do this anymore

"Piko..." He sounds so reluctant. He doesn't love me. He said he did, but he doesn't. If he did, he would fucking hold me and tell me that I matter. I pull away, sitting down on the floor with my knees to my chest. The pills. Did I bring them? I don't know. I don't remember.

I can feel my heart speeding up, my mind racing. He's kneeling down in front of me, but I slide back. "Stop."

"Piko, calm down. There's still a lot to talk about-"

"I can't-" My voice cracks and I choke back a sob. I'm just useless. Worthless. In the way. An abomination. A waste of space.

I do nothing but cause people trouble. I'm not sweet or whatever else the fuck he said. That's not me. It's not fucking me. I'm nothing, I'm worthless. I'm useless. I climb to my feet and run. Out of his house, ignoring his calls.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-13 Days, Monday 1:16pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I made it through the rest of last week and the weekend without running into him again, but of course he won't just go away. He sits down in front of me, setting his lunch tray on the table. "I'm not going to drop this. You can't keep running away. You'll never get through life that way."

Get through life. Ha. "I- I can't get through life without you fucking it up more." I'm trying to hurt him, to push him away, make him not _want_ to talk to me. Why would he, anyway? He won't even fucking hold me. God, I need him to hold me.

He doesn't even blink, seeing right through me as usual. "I made mistakes. I- I really fucked up. I really fucked you up. I had no idea what I was doing to you-"

"It's not the things that you said. Well- it is, but I could have lived with that. I would have been fine if you called me names, even when you fucking hurt me. I could have been fine- but you _left me_. I had _no one_ and you just left. I left my family for you. I- I gave up college for you. You knew my parents were paying for it for me. Everything was set up, and you let me give it all up so I could be with you- and then you _left me_." I left my life for him and he left me.

"I left because I was hurting you! I left because I didn't _want_ to hurt you anymore. The things that I said to you- I regret them so much. I wish I could just take them back but I can't. I can see how they've affected you. I can't be with you until you're- until you're okay."

"I can't be okay!" I slide my tray violently off the table and onto the floor, not even bothering to go around it. I track chocolate milk and bits of cheese pizza halfway down the hallway. When I get to the bathroom I throw my pill bottle at the mirror. It cracks, but doesn't shatter. My uneven reflection stares at me, cracked with lines like a web. I consider smashing it again, but the cuts on my hands still hurt and I still have some of the stitches. Instead, I just open the pill bottle and pour a handful straight into my mouth. I chew them; they're bitter, but I can barely taste them. I try to swallow it, but it's so dry that I start to choke. White powder explodes from my lips as I cough, and the bottle falls to the floor. Pills scatter everywhere.

He won't be with me until I'm okay, but I can't be okay until someone _wants_ to be with me. Or at least wants me. No one wants me. I fall in front of a toilet and wretch. Any part of lunch that I'd had is gone now. When I clean up- me and the pulls and powder I got everywhere, Len is waiting for me at the sink.

"Piko, this has to stop."

"Fuck you!" I scream before I can stop myself. "It can't fucking stop!" I shove by him and leave the bathroom, nearly running into Gakupo in the hallway. I brush by him, much like he did to me when he left me.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-8 Days, Saturday 1:00am-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I pace my room, pulling at my hair. No one wants me. Not just Gakupo, I realized it over the week. Not just him, but everyone doesn't want me. They all hate me. What is it about me that they hate? It started with my parents.

I remember them telling me even when I was little that I was an abomination. I didn't know what it meant, but maybe it's true. Maybe that's why everyone hates me. I'm an abomination. What does that even mean now? They mean it in the religious sense of course, but what else does it mean? I'm an outcast. Not even the teachers treat me like a normal person. I'm a freak, a loser, a background prop that doesn't even need to exist.

Why am I even here? Why do I stay here? Len doesn't need me. He doesn't even want me here. I just get in his way, just stress him out. Gakupo only wants me if I'm back to the way I was, but the way I was is what drove him away so I can't go back to that.

I take out the pocketknife from between my mattresses and open it, stabbing it into the bed-covers as hard as I can.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-5 Days, Tuesday 9:13pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

My phone is blowing up. Only a week of school left and I'm not going to go? Haha, no. Why bother? They don't want me there. My stomach growls. When did I last eat? I'm not leaving this room. There's no way I'm going to go out there, out there where everyone is.

I'd rather starve.

My phone rings.

I smash against the wall, and watch as the pieces hit the floor.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-4 Days, Wednesday 11:44am-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Len hasn't checked on me even once. He doesn't want me around. I already knew that- I just thought- I mean, I don't know what I thought. Gakupo was over yesterday, I heard him, but he left without talking to me. I pull at my hair as I stare out the window, watching as rain pours down. Lightening strikes and in the distance I swear I see Gakupo.

Wishful thinking. There's nothing there.

My stomach churns.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-3 Days, Thursday 4:59am-_-_-_-_-_-_-

"Piko, Gakupo's here. He needs to talk to you. Unlock the door, 'kay?" Len calls through the door. I don't reply, just throw a book I was pretending to read at the door.

Pretending for who? I feel faint. I can't get up, even if I wanted to get up I'd probably pass out.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-1 Days, Sunday 6:35pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Tomorrow is the last day of school. I failed out. It doesn't matter anyway. What would I have done, went to college? No. No money. I laugh to myself, turning the radio up when I hear Len come home. I don't know what this music is. Is it a CD? I think so. It was Gakupo's, I think. I take the CD out and throw it. I don't look up to see where it lands.

Everything is so out of focus. It's like I'm in a swirly painting, all the colors just swirling in patterns. It's so beautiful. When I die, I hope that's what I get to see forever. Especially the purple, god the purple is beautiful. It's my favorite color. I wonder why? I don't remember why I like purple so much, but I know there's a reason.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-Monday 3:56pm-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I slide the window open and look down, look down at the ground four stories below me. I hang my legs over the windowsill and my eyes sting with tears, and my throat is sore with sobs that won't come out. I grip the edges of the window so tightly I can feel blood running from my fingertips. No one sees me. Len just got home, so he won't have to witness it. Gakupo hasn't tried talking to me again. Oh well. It's better if everyone hates me anyway, right? Right?

I laugh, but the laugh turns into a sob and I break down. I sob, I cry and cry and I have nowhere to go and no one to turn to and I don't know what to do! I have no options and nothing and no one and I'm alone and it will _stay_ that way because I'm an abomination.

I'm doomed and no one knows it but me. I push myself off the window's ledge and smile as I fall.


End file.
